September 13, 2011
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I’m Not Very Nice Anymore
I’ve been trying to get myself back into reading again. The book I’m currently working on is One Day, which is a story of two people over the course of 20 years. The main male character, Dex, goes through a lot of personal development throughout those years. In his late 20s, his mother has a serious conversation with him that ended up going like this:
I couldn’t quite figure it out at the time, but I felt a certain impact from those words. Some recent events and comments I’ve experienced led me to finally understand why what she said to Dex gave me pause.
I’m afraid that the way Dex’s mother saw him at that moment in time is how some people, the ones that matter the most in my life, are beginning to see me.
Lately, I haven’t been feeling the best about myself as a person. Do I still think I’m an overall decent person with good intentions? Sure, I guess. However, good intentions means crap if I somehow end up hurting those that care about me.
How did this happen? I wonder if it began taking shape back in 2007, when I started learning to be independent again after becoming and remaining single during the following years. Moving out to a new place this past year has also made me learn to watch out for myself, focusing on my needs. Over time, I began making more and more decisions that benefited me more than it benefited others. That, in of itself, isn’t a bad thing, but I worry it has made me care about my self-interests way too much.
I still aim to be considerate of others through my actions. I still strive for empathy and understanding for people’s wishes and concerns. I push to be humble. I want to be someone my peers and family look up to.
Yet, I wonder if despite all that people judge me as becoming more inconsiderate, impatient, selfish, and prideful instead?
Don’t you worry, my friends and family. I will figure this out and become better. I want those that I’ve hurt or disappointed unintentionally to know that I am ashamed and truly sorry for any bad feelings I may have caused. Hopefully, you all will see me as a decent man again through improved actions on my part.
I can’t tell you for certain when I will change your mind, but I believe in myself enough to know I will make things right eventually.
You can count on it.
Comments (161)
I can’t imagine you ever hurting anybody, whether it’s intentional or not. Furthermore, if you really did hurt somebody unintentionally, I’m sure they’ve forgiven you for it. We all make mistakes along the way.
See, you’ve just demonstrated the problem with reading: it gives people weird ideas. I wish we were all still illiterate.
sounds too much alike self fulfilling prophecy, but i give it to you meanie
Man, I don’t know you personally or anything, but I agree with @the_rocking_of_socks – I can’t see you hurting those you love, especially not intentionally. You seem like a great guy to me. Don’t be too hard on yourself, man. There are a lot of assholes out there, and you certainly don’t seem to be one of them.
One of my favorite quotes is “Niceness is a decision, not a character trait.” It’s a bit dark, but we learned that in our course on violence and aggression, about how even bad people can seem completely nice. I think about it every day because it reminds me that we have the choice to smile, be polite, engage in conversation, and be friendly people… even if we completely want to headbutt someone.
Sometimes really we need to pause and re think of our purpose and our intents if they still benefit you esp others, I’ve always seen you as this good person but you it’s also heart warming to know that you still leave a space to improve You. We all have to be that. I like the sincerity of this post Alex.
The truth is that you cannot impress everyone you come in contact with. That’s the cold harsh reality of it and it was something I had to realize too. I always wanted to put everyone first. I always wanted to be a helping hand. I always wanted to remove my”self” from the equation and focus on what I can do to make them happy.
I realized a little later how exhausting it was and how drained I would get to the point where I had to stop, look myself in the mirror and wonder if this is what it was supposed to like. The biggest wake up call was when in my last relationship, she took that to her advantage and always made me feel inadequate. I’m always looking for ways to improve myself, whether it is to be even nicer to people, to become more outgoing, whatever. And when it comes to making mistakes, I learn to accept responsibility for my faults. That’s when it came and crashed into my face. That fact alone was enough to make her believe that everything was my fault, that no matter what I did, I would never make her happy. And as a result, I didn’t make myself happy.
It wasn’t until after I broke up with her that I needed to take care of myself. That I can still put others first, but only when I am healthy enough myself to do so. I find pleasure in helping others; seeing the smiles on their faces and their gratitude for helping them makes it all worth while. But, time in time, you do have to take some time to yourself, and that’s okay. People understand that you will need some alone time, at least those who matter to you. You can always look to improve, even if you are already a great person.
I read One Day. It’s a good book. I can’t wait to watch the movie now. Have you seen it?
I like introspective/character development books like that.
I think you’re a very kind and considerate person. I’ve always thought you were a decent man. Heck, I think a lot of men on Xanga should look to you to see the model of what a good Xangan is like.
With that being said, if you feel that you need to improve or change, I hope you achieve or find what it is you want.
Don’t worry if people get hurt. NO PAIN, NO GAIN! and MO DRANKS!
short time spent with ya on xanga, i’d say you’re anything but shellfish <– get it? lol /sadface
NEGRO, PLEASE.
wait, you’re black, right?
You shouldn’t feel like that. I think there is times in our lives that we feel like we’re the scum of the world but in truth, we’re really okay. In truth, you can only do so much to help others as you still have to help yourself. You can’t neglect yourself. This is your life we’re talking about. If you neglect yourself, you have those holes that can’t ever be filled. I’m struggling with this as well. I’ve dedicated myself to helping the people I cared for and I realized that emotionally and mentally I was so unfit that there was nothing left for me when it all stopped. I finally had to take things for myself and be selfish. I was always the selfless one. I was always the one you talked to when you had a problem or if you didn’t think I’d understand or you wanted me to do something for you.
It got really empty at the end.
I know about the good intentions going awry but it sometimes it happens. If they really do care about you, they will forgive and understand you. Believe me, my bipolar manifested in 2009 and I was out of my mind but those few people understood because it was out of my control. They were the people to tell me what was going on because I had no idea.
They loved me despite what I gained. I think through that, I learnt who really cared and who wasn’t good for me. I honestly, think you’re a fine young man despite what you think (remember sometimes we are our own worst enemies). It’s not like you’re completely hurting people on purpose or neglecting everyone for yourself all the time or putting yourself at the center of the galaxy or something. If it was that, then it would be a big problem and I would tell you otherwise.
Also, don’t worry about the judging. It’s not really important in life because everyone will judge you for better or worse but you shouldn’t be too caught up in it. It’s not important when you surround yourself with people that understand who you are. I used to be like that but I realized that people will either like me or not. It’s not worth worrying too much about.
Sometimes we doubt ourselves but just continue being yourself but it really bugs you, you can talk to those that care about you and express your concerns. Believe me that helps a lottttttt. It will get it off your chest.
Still, it’s always good to have some room for improvement but realize what needs improving and what doesn’t, helps as well.
Good luck
Hey you gave me some advice, why not give it back?
gah, you’re such a douche
People, by nature, are multi-faceted. No person is 100% nice, 100% of the time. And that holds true for any emotion or personality trait. We’re humanely imperfect, we’re all full of idiosyncracies that sometimes have no rhyme or reason. Personally, I think you’re an awesome guy. Your personality & character are evident in your blog. But no one is expected to be perfect. There are times when we have to be a bit selfish, when we have to look out for our best interests. That’s not a negative trait. Hell, sometimes it’s the smartest, most honest route to take. I consider myself a nice person, but I can be a downright ghetto ass bitch. I’m okay with that, lol. I trust you’ll do what’s best, in any situation, because you have good intentions. =]
be bad to the bone
You’re a good guy, I hope they understand.
@the_rocking_of_socks - Yup, I screw up a plenty haha. I know I’m allowed to make mistakes, but I wonder if it still disappoint people all the same.
@TheMushyPear - You might be on to something Pear. You might be on to something.
@mrqtran - Perhaps. Dex does improve himself by the end, so I would mind self-prophesying that.
@justjase - When I get into these pensive modes, I put a lot of pressure on myself. I’m sure it will pass..I just needed to get it off my chest.
@suggestivetongue - I think I will ponder what you said some more tonight. I like it.
Nice post. I just take vicodin to be nicer! or booze
good movie. good book.
am i missing something? i have not felt that you have been unintentionally hurting ppl, but then again, it has been a month or so since the last time i saw you. i don’t think you are like Dex, though i have seen guys go through a dex-like phase. i have a guy friend who is going through that now. after college he changed and when i saw him, i felt disappointed like Dex’s mother at the person he had become. in fact i’ll admit i was quite angry…with him, and then with myself for not being able to express how i honestly felt about his actions right then and there. then later after i went home, i thought about it and calmed down. i realized that he was a bit tired of always being the nice one and never going out and going crazy for a little while, much like what i did in college. so i thought it’s maybe just a phase.
unfortunately, at the same time, he made me feel pretty bad about myself, comparing me to other girls and making me feel that my writing degree wasn’t worth anything as compared to those girls’ science degrees. it was also a shock because i didn’t realize i was “under inspection” and under consideration to be “his” anything. we were always good friends, so where did this come from? anyway, i’ll prolly get in trouble for going on and on, haha. in the end, for these personal reasons, i had to make a decision to offer no more than friendship to him. if you saw the movie, the part i could relate to was when Em says to Dex, “I love you, but I don’t like you anymore.”
now as for you, dear alex, have not fear, but faith. you already know you can’t please everyone. i learned that the hard way in college, heh. you see it as bad to be selfish, but i think it’s necessary from time to time or you’ll watch sadly as ppl walk all over your life. again, not fun. a few close friends are far more valuable than trying to stay on top of your popularity all the time. your pride? psh, i personally love it when you share stuff that you’ve accomplished and achieved! it’s really cool when you post those magazine articles and other places that have featured you. nothing wrong with tooting your own horn every now and then. keep those coming.
we’re all selfish. it’s how the human being was made. if you think about it, even volunteering can be selfish. you do it because it makes you feel good, too.
hopefully the next time i find you, i find you in a place with a different outlook. as tupac used to say, “gotta keep ya head up.”
you’re on the right track. just keep swimming.
You always take time to respond to people and leave little messages on the internet. I know that doesn’t seem like much, but sometimes it’s those little things that make people smile on a bad day.
@windblown85 - Thanks. Yeah, I sometimes wonder if people really think I think of myself as a perfect person, because I certainly do not. So much I have to learn and improve upon…
@laytexduckie - Thank you for your thoughtful comment. I definitely don’t think I will ever impress everyone, nor do I feel I have to. I’m thinking more about those closest to me, the ones that have been with me for a while. I wonder if they have seen me changed over the years, and whether it is a change for the worse.
@Hinase - Thanks for the advice. Sometimes, I feel like I know the advice already but I just need to hear it from others to believe it. I’m not too worry about the judgment of just anyone. I’ve learned a long time ago that not everyone is going to like me and not everyone is going to take the time to really get to know me enough to have an opinion that truly matters. It’s those that trust and care for that I really think about. I’m sure they’re still be with me, but I wonder if their opinion of me has lowered in some ways.
@rachelbachel32 - I did watch it, even though I’m only several chapters into the book. I was okay with the movie overall, but I could tell that they cut out a lot of important stuff from the book. I know it’s a movie and they can only fit a few things in though. Have you seen it?
@Cestovatelka - I really appreciate you writing that. I hope I don’t disappoint you in the near future.
@fLiPgUy31O - Haha, we really need to hang out again. December is way too far away.
@BenelliMan - I get it. True true…oh whale!
@CaKaLusa - duh, you should know!
@Timmmmmmy - I trust your advice.
@pinktiger335 - thanks, I think they understand…but I think even if I have good excuses they don’t make up for any pain/disappointment I’ve caused.
@Timmmmmmy - Timmeh you are such a spoiler! =D
@Roadlesstaken - Well trying to make-up sure beats pretending nothing happened and thinking it will all go back to normal. Just give it time and your technique will work, a goof friend always tries.
@ShimmerBodyCream - Does that work? Hmm…
@mycontinuity - You made me smile =)
@wyrdkismet - Wow, that does sound very Dex-like. I wonder if he will improve like he does later on? Yeah, I don’t think I’m quite at that level, but I fell I’ve shifted towards that direction in degree, which I do not like. I agree that selfish isn’t always a bad thing. I just worry sometimes that I might reach a point where I can’t distinguish when is the right time to be selfish or not. I’ll feel better later on, I’m sure, once this pensive state passes.
well I think you’re awesome, and it’s good to look out for yourself
@Timmmmmmy - with a sprinkle of asshole
I think its admiral that you really evaluated yourself and are doing what you think is necessary to change what you don’t like. I agree with most people though that I haven’t seen this less nice Alex.
I would offer words of encouragement, but I don’t know how much it would mean since there’s a lot going on in your life that I don’t know about. Not that if I did know about it I would think you were a bad person, either… did that sentence make structural sense?
I had been feeling not very nice, too. Too aloof and defensive. So I’ve been on a campaign to be more friendly. Every day there are successes and failures.. but being aware of it is always an important step.
Does this have anything to do with the talk we had last week? Cause I’m still stumped on why that person had that opinion. I think you’ve grown this past year. Not saying you were immature but I do think being on your own and what not has made you a stronger, more independent person.
I don’t know you well enough to decide if you’re a nice guy or not, so the only thing I can say is – at least you’ve recognized the problem. That’s the first step towards recovery. More people should be mindful of the impact they (and their actions) have on others.
@lovejennyy - Thanks, yeah I agree. I just hope I don’t forget when I should look out for other more than I should for me.
@indiechaos - Probably most people don’t see it until they hang out with me a lot. I eventually will not be on my A-game and will disappoint.
@randaness - I think I got the gist of it =)
@lifeonacitybusem4 - Defensive…yes, another word I could have used to describe myself lately. Good to hear you’re trying to better yourself too.
@HeLLo_Bianca - Thanks, I really appreciate that you think that of me. Yeah, the post has some relation to what I talked to you about before, among other things.
@shoujo - Indeed. I’ll fix this.
It’s always a choice. Being bad can be as hard as being nice. And, like all habits, both traits will be hard to stop.
The saddest thing is when someone being respectful and nice is mistaken for boring. Dunno why being nice is such a bad thing in some people’s eyes?
I’ve been feeling the same way =( especially toward the roommates…now I choose to be nice but it just feels awkward haha. Sad…but i know both of us will figure it out =) you are not alone!
@Roadlesstaken - I don’t see how it could. I just think it’s more of self doubt that is plaguing you. Don’t let it get to you so much. No problem
Also people see things differently. I know I was targeted out as being annoying etc; when I didn’t seem like it to other people. It’s just different sometimes. If they have a bad opinion of you and you can’t change or persuade it, I’m afraid it won’t do so much to worry about it. Yeah, I’m glad you know and you’re right it’s much easier to hear these things again even if you know them.
People sometimes get sidetracked and caught up in their own life unintentionally. And since it’s unintentional and thus totally unforeseen, I wouldn’t necessarily deem them “not nice” anymore. I experienced these similar feelings and thoughts this past year when I didn’t call home from college as I was absorbed in my own life. Eventually, I was confronted by my sister and realized how unforeseen it was, and then made changes. I think that’s the important thing–to make changes when you recognize the need and opportunity to. =]
I had something to say, I really did. Then I saw Timmy & Chris’ comments and thought about how they need smacked, hahaha, jk
Honestly Alex, I can’t imagine you being “bad” about anything, really. I guess as a Xangan, I wouldn’t really see what you’re talking about, but if you really feel like you’ve become less nice, then maybe start going out of your way to do especially nice things for people? Make a goal to give 5 different people compliments in a day and then work up to more difficult nice things as time goes on? I’m not so good with this advice stuff, but if it means anything, I still think you’re quite understanding and awesome
I cannot imagine you being disgruntled to others. We all may have our problems, that’s life. But I think you’re a very kind person with a good heart!
To be frank, the more people know you online, the more likely someone is to eventually take shots at you, just because. They can be jealous they don’t have more time with you or you don’t like them enough, and then they lash out. Alex, you may be right about yourself, but I see myself that some people who I thought had legitimate concerns were just (winces at using the term) haters, so be careful about that too. Let’s put it this way: if it’s a woman with feelings for you who gave you feedback, I wouldn’t trust it.
@Roadlesstaken - No, I haven’t yet, but I plan on it. I’d like to compare the book to the movie. There’s a lot of internal stuff that happens, though, so I’m sure that’d be difficult to portray in movie form.
This is so weird. I was having this very conversation last night… about my struggles with being a selfish person, and how I wish I was more considerate and giving. For the record though, I’ve never noticed you to be any of those things. You seem kind and generous to me.
i wanna read that book i started reading and its so good. the fact that you noticed that something about you has changed is a great start. persoanlly to me youve always seemed like a great guy. someone kind at heart who cares for others.
i think youre still a good person
and you need to watch out yourself and put your interests as a priority if you want to survive in this world. so what ure doing is only nature.
and at the end of the day, ive only had good interactions with you…so..i cant say bad things about you. =D
Emo-post…I guess you just need some time off.
I know exactly how you feel right now. I’m going through something very similar.
@suggestivetongue -
You are on point. Niceness is a decision and just because you are nice, does not guaranteed success in life. It may make it easier in some cases, but not all. Sometimes you have to be stern to get your point across and if you are too nice, people will push your needs to the side. I know.
“Niceness” will not pay the rent when you hate your job and your boss is “nice” but refuses in a “nice” way to give you a raise or move you up in the company. No matter how “Nice” you are to a teacher, you still got an F on your test because you didn’t studied. You think society will do you any favors because you are nice? Sure, there is a limit to being nice. But you cannot simply be nice all the time in life, especially if you want things to move along faster than they should.
Also, I get very weary of those who appear to be nice all the time. In this world, it’s impossible to be nice and smile a lot. If you do, people will think you are crazy.
@RestlessButterfly - Idk, but thankfully I’m close friends with people that do treat the qualities of respect and nice as wonderful traits.
@armnatmom - Thanks. I like to think so, I just know sometimes my actions may be interpreted in such that doesn’t reflect that.
@GreekPhysique - Funny you write this, this is actually going to be the topic of my next post. No worries, this post isn’t about the haters. That I can deal with easily. It’s the ones that I’m the closest to that I feel more affected by their opinions of me, since they know me better.
@rachelbachel32 - Yeah, a lot of that was cut out. The letters part were cut out in the beginning too.
@nimbusthedragon - May you continue to see that in me. Just know that I may slip up here and there in the future =)
Selfishness is an intrinsic part of human nature, and fortunately, its level can be controlled. Since you’ve already identified (a) why you’re being selfish and (b) what consequences it has had, then the next step is to (c) perform altruistic deeds, like doing things for friends and family who can recognize your selfless acts for what they are. At the same time, you can’t always please everyone, and it’s important to keep things in proportion and think about your needs too. Good luck, Alex!
@boyhnc - I like to think that too of myself, but I know that at times I may end up doing something that could be seen as inconsiderate/rude/etc. I hope that people don’t take that as me changing for the worse.
@rxglasshalffull - We need more good interactions Jenny! Come to NYC at the end of this month!
@oxyGENE_08 - yes, I have emotions at times.
@The44thHour - May it pass soon then!
@Japanesenightpurplegeisha - I read somewhere that meaner people tend to move up in the corporate world…which makes a lot of sense.
I like your profile picture very much. Sometimes we become selfish and do things that benefit us, but they’re for good reasons. You became independent, you’re learning more about yourself and you’re just enjoying a little “me” time. Remember, you can’t please everyone and someone will always be disappointed, no matter what.
@Sheegwa - Exact plan I need to follow. It sucks that people remember bad things more than the good things. I need to do that much more altruistic things.
@suefa_lee - Thanks, I wanted to use a more fitting profile pic than my other one haha. This feeling shall pass.
@Roadlesstaken - Don`t worry Alex. Seriously.
We all stumble. I don’t know the specifics of what happened but the fact that you want to take the time to better yourself shows that you are a good person who like every other human makes mistakes.
i’m liking the new profile pic alex!
Following a rec to you and hope you have a nice day.
@Roadlesstaken - See that’s the thing–blatant haters are easier to deal with. Friends who aren’t really friends, though…:/
maybe one day, you’ll meet a girl who’ll “make you decent and in return you [will] make her so happy” (how far are ya in the book? do u like the book?
but seriously though, i think the trouble with becoming independent is that one starts to love the the convenience of doing things on one’s own time and in own space and becomes irritated when others disrupt such schedules. yet without companionship, one can feel miserably lonely. we all just prefer the the convenience of both the independence n companionship n never the troubles of each.
i think it’s great that you are apologizing to those you’ve hurt.
@AmeliaHart - I do recognize that I’m allowed to make mistakes. I just wonder sometimes if some people might apply those mistakes to my overall persona mistakenly
@ThePrince - Thanks, I figured it was more fitting for this post.
@Lucy_or_Ethel - Thank you, I hope you have a nice day as well.
@GreekPhysique - Yes, that’s where it gets tricky.
@dreamsversion - I’m only like 1/5 through the book, but I did watch the movie so I know what you’re referring to. Very poignant line I thought. I’m starting to get into the book. Started off slow, but it’s picking up.
That’s a good way of explaining the pros and cons of the independence, btw. Really like it.
@jacigurl88 - We will both get to the bottom of this! Eventually.
@MiSZ_C0MPASSi0NAT3 - Yes. I think I’m starting to recognize it after noticing it for a while now. I must take the next steps now to remedy.
@ArmyWife4Life2007 - They do need to be smack. I approve of the smacking. As for general niceness, I think I do a good job at that. It’s the extra steps that shows I care that I have been slipping up with. i.e., I’m very bad with calling my grandma/parents to let them know I’m okay during travels.
@Roadlesstaken - Ah, I call after travels and let everyone know how things went. No way I’m calling from Europe to the states on any other phone but my landline =/
I don’t think you are hurting people. But, I guess the good thing is that you will be more conscious about how you talk to people/what you do. No matter what you do, or what decision you make someone may get hurt, that’s just a part of life and most of it is completely out of your control. You can’t make everyone happy
But, you should start with yourself because, at the end of the day, all we really have is ourselves. Good luck. ^_^
@misslei11 - The funny thing is that it’s hard for me to be completely happy if those I care about and cares about me are dissatisfy with something I’m doing.
you worrying already says something
@Roadlesstaken - No problem. With your closest friends, I’m sure that if they do see a negative change going on, I’m sure that they will bring it up to you. That’s what friends are for, right? They want to see you succeed in like and whatever it takes to make sure you are on the right path, they will let you know. The honest truth is one of the greatest things to be appreciated coming from someone who you care deeply for and who cares deeply about you.
Props, Mr. Alex.
I think most of us go through this. Maybe it’s because we are humans and we have emotions? Trying to be nice all the time can take a toll on you so just be nice and don’t deliberately hurt people. That’s the best you can do I guess. :)
Alex, I’ve known you for a while now.
I think you’ve always had these qualities. But those aren’t the ones that stand out for me. That nice and friendly guy who approached me to help you set up and play Dance Dance Revolution in the game room is still there.
Even your past blogs, it’s still there.
A few years ago, you wrote a heartfelt post and it was featured on Datingish. Then you started gaining more readers and followers. You held your own and the meet ups. You gained more readers and followers.
Then you started blogging less. Some of the readers now know you as the top-blogger, the meet-up champion, contest organizer. They only see segments and because of that, those qualities take center stage.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that you’re still you (Haha lame Josh Groban reference.)
So cheer up
When you first connect with the different side of yourself it comes out more forceful ,it takes a bit to hone it in and refine it, it is the same with everything, it takes time and the ones who really care and will be there for the distance understand that. I think you are amazing Alex!
When I read this book, I kept thinking that I was the girl version of Dex. Not necessarily the best feeling in the world.
I haven’t been here a lot, but every time I’ve visited your blog all I’ve seen is a decent, genuinely kind person with a great sense of humor. I can’t imagine that you have actually harmed anyone, even indirectly.
Give yourself a break. Improving yourself is a good idea, but do it because you want to, not because you think there may be someone you’ve stepped on along the way. That guilt isn’t going to help. Start from ‘I will do better’ and do the best you can from there. It’s positive and it takes guilt and negativity completely out out the situation.
This message brought to you by an old hippie. Kumbaya.
I think you worry unnecessarily. You seem, at first glance, to be as we all are: scared a bit and growing up. Worry not , sir, we all become far more as time passes. `least I like to think so…. Peace
That is an admirable way to be!
@Roadlesstaken - Ah I understand. Make compromises ^_^
just by wondering makes you a sweetheart
i have an unrelated question: is “hilaw” still on your friends list? i removed everyone on this account, yet i still see posts in my ui. weird
I think you’re amazing.
Impressive introspection. It shows your heart is right. It will come together… your heart and your actions… that seems to be the choice you want to make, and so you will make it so.
Good heart.
Do you believe in God?
Listening to God is different from listening to what the world has to say. It sets you apart.
You seem to follow God… His ways. God directs the heart when He is present. Seems to me like God is speaking to your heart.
dude… you’re taking yourself way too seriously…
breathe – it’s a good thing to figure out who you are – and it’s ok to want what you want…
the real question is IF if someone else is out there – then are you willing to ‘sacrifice’ the things that you
covet for your self – can you share, can you share their desires/wants/needs…
it’s all in time – and it’s always all about time…
what do you want out of your time…
’nuff philosophy – have to go get one of my kids from the bus stop…
besides – i think i have smoke coming out of my ears…
peace hombre…
I find this amusing. I just did an entry about how society has a trend of arrogance that seems to increase with the level of education and i almost referenced you as an exception to that rule. the fact that i decided not to in no means invalidates the fact that you are an exception, it just didn’t fit well in the post.
I haven’t personally met you yet, but I don’t think you will hurt anyone.
Even if unintentionally, they won’t keep it in mind.
i really can’t imagine you having a single evil bone in your body and I never met you yet.
I think sometimes we can be confused about ourselves. who are we really?
but I am sure you’ll find yourself again
I feel the same way sometimes :/ it scares me, because I feel it over and over again. I’m trying to be more selfless and put more care into the words I say and things I do… good luck to you and me!
I feel the same way sometimes and I have yet to start college. It feels like the less naive I get and less concerned I am with pleasing everyone, I’m getting meaner. But I have to snap out of it and realize that even though people may think I’m becoming mean, I’m just caring less about what others think and that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s the same for you? Good luck though
@NCTHope - yes! me too, actually, and i have recently started to see me as the girl version of the guy character in a lot of books, movies lately. hmm…wonder what this means…:/
Hehe you’d have to really struggle to not be nice Alex
….of course you could do it because your freakin’ awesome and can do anything 
But i think i can relate to what your getting at. There’s a time when your happy to do everything for everyone else and you never think twice about it, but then as you get older or your life starts to change you start to realize that your someone too, and always sacrificing your own personality or preference isn’t being fair to you.
The transition can make you feel like your being a bit selfish or even mean, but it’s just a part of becoming more certain of your self i reckon.
@BFB1131 - i always enjoy reading your comments. they lift me up and you are so wise!
@wyrdkismet - :D Thats really nice of you to say, i always look out for your comments too
And any wisdom is purely accidental i assure you
I feel very similarly about myself. I know I give the people that matter, my all, but I still have trouble feeling that it’s enough.
Aw. I think if you’re worrying about this, you’re a pretty nice guy. C:
To sum up what everyone says: YOU GOOD SON.
Also, think about it this way. Narcissistic assholes don’t contemplate how nice or empathetic they’re being towards others and their own motivations.
Maturity and growth comes with reflection and change. We all have our bad moments. Some folks are able to notice it and change while others just continue on and couldn’t care less. Keep growing Alex.
@Roadlesstaken - Ah weird. I will let you know what I think after I watch it.
And I know I don’t know you well enough to pass any judgment, but I’d say the fact that you’re thinking about this means that you are are a nice person. Just a thought.
Well, it’s probably a good step that you’re having these thoughts – it’s a step toward being more empathetic. I don’t know you well enough to say that you’ve been mean or anything like that but most of the people I encounter that I would think of as “not nice” aren’t genuinely evil or anything like that, they’re just focused on themselves because they’ve had to be. And self-centeredness by itself isn’t necessarily bad – you have to take care of yourself because unless you live with your mom or some other caretaker, no one else is going to.
But anyway, good luck in your journey of self-improvement.
Just in case the comments haven’t given you enough encouragement/advice, here’s a little bit more. lol.
First, part of what you may be experiencing is the confidence it takes to be comfortable with who you are. A lot of people struggle with that sensation (I would say nearly everyone at some point) and so it can be intimidating to be around someone who SEEMS to have it all under control. Just keep that in mind. People tend to bond over commiseration, you know? Doesn’t make it right, but it is something of which to be aware.
Second, it’s really good to take notice when the conscience gives a little twinge. As much as I like you, Alex, you’re human and therefore imperfect. You are also a great person who is worth the energy and time it takes to continually move forward in your self-development. Keep pushing yourself, but only one step at a time.
And lastly, I find people really appreciate a good question. In conversation or to break the ice or to pass the time, find a way to ask a question that requires some real attention on your part. Considering who you are, you may already do this. It gives people a chance to feel noticed and appreciated.
Oh and just as a sidenote, I often take myself for a long walk when I don’t like who I see in the mirror. Deep breaths, nice landscape, and lots of looking into the sky and remembering that I am a speck, and yet a valuable speck.
~V
That’s a feeling I think of lot of us have from time to time. It is easy to do and say things that hurt others, even when that isn’t our intention. We get caught up in the moment and we don’t think enough about others’ feelings, which is pretty much human nature. The important thing is that you are aware of this and thinking about it, which can lead to improvement.
It’s awesome that you can sit yourself down and point out your shortcomings, and rationally think about it. Now the hard part: working on it. Wish you luck bro:)
@buiptammy - I suppose..
@laytexduckie - you’re absolutely right. Good stuff!
@Keeko1 - =)
@SillyHelena - I’m trying, I’m trying.
@NCTHope - Haha yeah, I can see why you may feel that way. Dex isn’t quite lovable for a lot of the book, huh?
@seedsower - Thank you, I think you’re amazing x100 haha
@stupid_systemus - I was looking over my past number of entries actually and I’m actually about consistent with how many posts I wrote going back to 2006-2007 or so. I think it was around that point that I realize I didn’t have to write every day haha. I do appreciate you saying those words though, Jose.
Good intentions are good intentions. Nothing more and nothing less. People should focus more on that and not the result.
@ZombieMom_Speaks - Thank you for the message haha. Kumbaya!
@Pcygniime - worrying is a bad habit of mine. This shall pass…eventually.
@mtngirlsouth - Now I just need to take action.
@hilaw - Did you unsubscribe from people as well? If not, it will still appear in your UI. Why are you on this account, btw? Thinking about making a most excellent return??
@AsToldByKatie - =) Thanks for thinking so.
@JstNotherDay - I like to believe in a higher being, yes. Still trying to figure that out…but I suppose that’s a story for another time.
@xplorrn - Smoke is coming out of your ear? That might be something worth checking out…haha
@iones_island - Ah I see. Well, I’m still very honored that you would have thought about doing that. I’m sure there are better examples though.
@babixling - I hope they don’t keep it in mind, but you never know with some people that keep grudges
@prettykay04 - I’m pure evil, can’t you tell? muhahahahahaha!
@a_strange_facade - We can do this!
@ivarahBharavi - That’s going to be a toughie for me, not caring as much what others think especially those closest to me. As someone that like to connect with people, I have that tendency of wanting to leave a positive impact on people I interact with. When I don’t, I feel it =/
@BFB1131 - Hopefully that’s really all it is. Very nice comment.
@haloed - Indeed. What sucks is when you feel like you give enough of yourself to someone, but they don’t see it that way?
@thexCITYxsplit - Haha, we’ll see how my development continues!
people will always judge. as long as you keep yourself grounded, i wouldn’t sweat it.
@Xbeautifully_broken_downX - Well then, I’m glad I’m not a narcissistic asshole. At least not yet =P
@ElusiveWords - I will do.
@leaflesstree - True true. Thanks for your good luck!
@BFB1131 - Agreed, Alex. ”There comes a time in every man’s life…” lol, but really, there does indeed. You begin to not base your life and decisions as much on your friends, or even family, but rather what you want to accomplish in life – for yourself. It’s natural; I’m sure you have nothing to worry about man!
@lil_joycie - That I think I can do!
@jennfaceee - Isn’t there a saying though, the road to hell is paved with good intentions? =O
@MassiveVortex - Thanks, I will try my best to work on it
@christao408 - I will make sure I turn that “can” into a “will” lead to improvement!
@TheMarriedFreshman - I say you’re more than just a speck haha. Thanks Advice Girl! (are you still that superhero?)
I don’t know you but nice is not the issue, but society as a whole. I am nice to those that are nice around me, but I can still be cynical. I’ve been told that I act like a sponge sometimes and take everything that is going bad around the world and what I see and that I let it affect me. Deep down inside most people are hedonistic, but don’t realize it and cause things that affect others negatively, this just in general pissed me off, and that attitude is consequently carried into the home, the workplace, etc.. Deep down I see it as people losing their humanity and capability for compassion. We see this every day, on the roads. When a person is switching lanes and does not bother to put his blinker on to let you know what he is about to do, it affects you, it is because he/she just doesn’t give a shit about others and is just interested in about themselves. Aside from loss of humanity, altruistic acts have diminshed. Now I don’t mean world wide, as I only live in the USA, but around where I have been, all I see is people thinking about themselves and not seeing how their actions affect others. I let this get to me and compared to when I was child, when I didn’t give a shit about it, it does affect me. I no doubt think my family probably think I am not nice, but they understand why I am bitter. I’m guessing I was just raised to care. I still remember one day in NYC while getting food from a local street vendor, the famour halal cart, a group of young adults, after finishing eating just tossed their garbage on the outside their car doors. Really? Is it that hard considering the offered garbage cans? You go from something like looting and pillaging after Katrina and then see Japan’s pensioners offering to move into the area of the Fukushima power plant so the young don’t face the dangers of radiation. You see a starved dog being thrown down a garbage chute to Japan’s animal rescue teams after their tsunami. Made me feel like there is hope for humanity, at least in Japan, but made me feel sad that the same could not be said here. I’m not saying this is always the case, 9/11 is a great example of people that volunteered to help clean up sans pay. There were some that got paid, and that was no altruism, that was just their job, but for those that offered to help in search and rescue or to clean up, it was an act that showed humanity. So yeah that’s why my family thinks I’m not nice, but understand why, and I do too, but there is very little for me to curb myself at this point.
Maybe because you realize the good and the moral, you’ve become more vulnerable to the ‘bad’- even if only slightly unethical you may be gaining some one sided views. Of course, these one sided views are a sign of positive growth to becoming a full, moral, self-actualized person
i think?
@Roadlesstaken - Yeah I’ve heard of that. It always makes me think when I hear it.
@crystalstarrlight - You’re a good thinker.
@olopocram2 - I like to think that while there is a lot of selfish/inconsiderate acts out there, the kind acts are there just as well. They just don’t stick out as much because negativity tend to shadow positivity. At least, that’s what I hope is true. Throughout the days, I try to identify and be happy for the little acts of kindness out there, be it someone opening a door, picking up money for someone, etc. I fortunately know a lot of good people that do generous things like that all the time, so it gives me hope. Having said that, I understand why you feel the way you do. Hard to blame you with what we are shown.
@Roadlesstaken - I completely understand. I thought I didn’t care what people thought (and whether or not they thought I got bitchier) for a while, only to realize in time that I really do care what people think of me. I think that for us people-persons, we just have to find a nice balance between having people like us/being a pleaser and putting our foot down when it’s too much. In time I’m confident that you’ll find the balance
I can identify with that feeling, even though I’m not of the same generation. I think in some ways, things that have happened in life have made me a bit cynical, a bit callous, very skeptical, and very non–trusting of others. I’m stressed, I’m overwhelmed, and some days I’m not nice. I definitely can be, and it’s always been in my nature to be “a nice girl”, very sweet, sometimes TOO nice and TOO trusting….things happen. Life ebbs and flows, as do our responsibilities, our human faults and frailties, our strengths and good times. I think you can forgive yourself…easy for me to say, I am terrible at forgiving myself and constantly berate myself for my own shortcomings. I am trying to focus more on what I can do for others. I think you’ve got something there, about being single and alone. One tends to ruminate more and be more self-absorbed,…more of an inward focus. It is good that you are thinking about it and being intentional….Down deep, you’ve always seemed like a really nice guy. Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
i remember that you once told me that you and another xangan had a discussion about me; that you both thought i was a good person. that bothered me a bit, partially because of the thought that with time and getting to know me better that opinion would change. and actually, with them that thought bothered me a lot; sometimes it still does.
the fact that it bothers you means that you care. I suppose if you want to get to the bottom of it you have to ask yourself why you care. is it because you want people to like you or because of some other reason.
@Roadlesstaken - er uhm well…a huge maybe?
ah yes. i am still subbed to people.
@hilaw - So you didn’t answer my question about how come you’re on this account haha. Bringing it back?
@musicmom60 - Thanks for your comment. Yes, a lot of us tend to be our own worse critic. In a way, that’s not a bad thing. Keeps us honest.
I am not even going to read the comments here, but I am going to assume that at least fifty people here called you crazy. You are one of the nicest and considerate people I’ve ever met. Unless you are acting, and there is no way I believe you are nearly that good of an actor, I’d say you are a pretty class guy.
Now I will finish this comment with an insult to cancel out all this mushy stuff.
You are most likely very bad at driving. <—- RACISM FTW!!!
@vanedave - Ah racism, always a good time for that! Seriously though, I appreciate your thoughts about me.
@wyrdkismet - you make an interesting reply. i’ve heard the “looking down on english major” thing from someone else recently too and i think it’s a bunch of BS(that is, i think that looking down on it is BS not saying that people do because i’m sure it’s true), without the ability to communicate there would be no science. without writing/language there would be no way to report or communicate anything. this just reinforces my theory that people are stupid.
now, regarding your friend; i can somewhat relate. for me it’s a fine line i guess. i’ve seen multiple comments/posts lately saying that a man needs to have confidence and not put a woman on a pedestal and worship the ground she walks on etc. using words like weak, spineless and others. now, i can see in some (platonic) relationships how i have been seen this way, but the truth is, in my mind i was merely trying to be positive and supportive, which isn’t something that comes naturally to me. I suppose that makes it trickier because in order to do so i have to make an even harder effort. you know which of my female friends became interested in me romantically? the ones that i was a complete ass to. it’s true that that didn’t last and that not only in the end did they hate me but i wasn’t to pleased with myself; however it also taught me a lot about human nature.
I’ve always held the policy of ‘its always good to be nice, until the time arrives to be not nice, then let the ball roll where it will’ ! Not callous just not nice. Polite is for those situatiions that warrant it, and so is nice. Being able to judge when these situations occur is acquired while growing up and/or maturing. It can be difficult when its going on to determine the when, but….. Peace
it’s you first and then the rest. If they don’t understand that, then their not really your friends…
@iones_island - hey thanks for the support! i felt better after reading what you thought.
and yeah, i think he just might be going through an experimental phase, one that he never allowed himself to do in college so i guess he’s making up for it now. i see your side too and you’re right. it does say a lot about human nature.
You have realized your mistakes and you have apologized. In order to move on you have to forgive yourself whatever you have said or done. You are good person because you have put some thought into what you need to do. What is scary is when people do or say things and don’t care who they hurt. I can tell that you are not like that. You are someone that cares about his actions.
Bravo to you, move on and be the person that God intended for you do be! I wish you the best! Mike and Margo
@Ladiiee - Hmm, perhaps perhaps…
@qman1063 - Thanks for your well wishes!
aww what a nice guy. never got the bad guy vibe from your posts though.
@pcketfulofsunshine - =)
I’ve asked myself that alot too…
Unfortunately I Decided I Didn’t Like Nice Guys
I Liked The Good Guy…
And Being the Good Guy
Means Not being Viewed as Very Nice
90% of The Time.
I Do Know God Loves Beyond Love
Are Prayers are Always Answered
Though Chastisement is Seen as Something to be Feared
It is the Only Way any of Us can Ever really be Good.
Thank God for Evil
As It is the only Way for any of those who are Good
To Survive…
Innocence is like a Child
And The D stands For Dangerous.
CH
Is a Rather Powerful Logo.
Ruin, Sigil, Vigil, Word.
And ILD and IALD
Are Metaphors For Y
Which is one of My Very Favourite
As Stands For Something Beyond Kings and Lords…
@kirbym - I would rather be a good guy in the long run. Hmm…
I think it’s nature of human. I might have been or be in that place as well. As long as we are aware of it in time, we’re good. Big smile, my dear friend…
. As far as I know, you’ve never turned any of Xanga fellows down. 
You’re very caring. 
@I_love_Burma - Thanks =)
I can relate very well. I think as we grow older we’re more focused on our own independence and self needs that we tend to forget about the people around us. But I also think it’s just a stage in life. Once we organize our own lives, then and only then, can we put the actual time and effort to care about those around us.
That’s why i scoff at people who are in relationships who can’t even take care of themselves .. how do they expect to be able to take care of their partner as well? But that is entirely another matter..
You’re a good man. Don’t worry about it!
@Dobserver - Thanks, you are likewise.
This is such a lovely and relatable entry. I’m going through a similar stage and trying to get better/ nicer as well. I feel like if we don’t catch ourselves early enough in things like this, we might loose ourselves and personalities completely by losing respect for the people/planet/ objects surrounding us.
@longbraidsandrainbowsuspenders - Thanks, glad you can relate. That’s one of my biggest worries; to go down a path that I don’t want to be on, only to later find out it’s all too hard to turn back.
I can’t imagine YOU deliberately hurting anyone! Please don’t be so hard on yourself, AdorableA.! You are human….but an amazing, wonderful, thoughtful, smart, wise, sweet, fun, helpful (Want me to go on!? I got more adjectives about you!
) human! I am so honored and glad to know you! You always lift my spirits high!
Just be you. We can’t always meet people’s expectations of us (most of the time we don’t even know their expectations). We can just do the best we can do, and they will react however they want.
Please believe in yourself, and the goodness that is you! Keep moving forward!
Love and HUGS!
BTW: Those who really love us…they love us even with the “good, bad, and ugly” of us. They choose to forgive and they choose to keep loving. Those are our real friends and supporters.
I know you have many!
@AdamsWomanFell - Ah, I miss your wise comments. Thank you for your support! I feel better since I wrote this.
@Roadlesstaken - Yes, often just expressing ourselves helps us find perspective and feel better. Good! ‘Cause you should feel good and joyful!
well, alex, so many xangans are enamored with you, for obvious reasons, and unfortunately for me, they have very eloquently explained the many reasons why you are being unnecessarily hard on yourself, soooooo, trying to create a comment illuminating this fact would be an exercise in futility. BUT, To hear you use the word ”shame” while describing your self perception is MIND BLOWING!!!!!!!
You are one of the FEW people that I look up to.YES, even just the blog version of you. You are an amazing dude. You truly evoke envy in me. You are one ”well put together” cat.
@amateurprose - Thank you man, you’re way too kind. Well, I hope I don’t ever let you down!
@amateurprose - What a good, heartfelt comment!
that’s what matters at the end of the day i think.
@Roadlesstaken - hi alex. speaking for “hilaw” here. seriously it is tempting. i feel rather bad for old friends–like older than 8 years, who visit hilaw now and again. now they won’t find it, especially one whom i’ve been friends with and have had numerous drinks with, whom i’ve seen with many women through those years, and now he is married and expecting his 2nd child. there are others too. for that reason alone it is tempting. i really have been thinking about it. when i did it, i was being impetuous and it was a bad day.
anyway…that is my answer for now.
@Roadlesstaken - there you go again! “I hope I don’t let you down” I never truly understood the pressure that is tandem with being “a nice guy”. I can’t begin to imagine what you must go through. I totally get it though. It eventually must become a fundamental part of your self image. It’s like a much more socially respectable version of “The beautiful girl syndrome”: a psychological affliction in which people who are attractive, and are constantly reminded that they are attractive, begin to think that ”being attractive” is the only attribute that makes them relevant. Consequently, they put enormous pressure on themselves to remain ‘attractive”, fearing that the absence of physical attraction will render them undesirable.
Your “hang up” happens to be much more conducive to spiritual development, but still, unnecessarily taxing on your well being.
Listen, alex, whatever innate gifts you posses; they are working. You just being you is amazing. Good parents, teachers, mentors, whatever it may have been that helped cultivate your natural state of being, worked. If you need to focus on ANYTHING, it’s trusting yourself. Others may not understand certain things that you do, but that’s okay. Maybe they are not supposed to. I think we all serve a purpose here. The positive impact you have had on others makes me believe that you are serving YOUR purpose more so than A LOT of the people I have met. Accept that. Continue to put yourself under the microscope, but do so objectively. Introspection will only make you better. Just dont burry yourself in pressure. You are a great presence but you are also only one, individual, who is supposed to live for himself in addition to helping others.
So, I hope I dont seem like a weirdo making these grand statements about you, being that we have never even met, but your words over my time hear on xanga have painted a pretty clear picture of the kind of guy you are. I don’t always comment on your post, but I very often read them.
Why is it when people decide to be self focused, more confident and independent… it makes them appear selfish to others? I say focus on yourself as there usually is a reason why you are, maybe you want to make urself better later on…which makes u strong, and the more improvement leads to more personal growth and then when the time comes…u will be able to be there for those who need u. Those who understand will respect ur choices.
i think you’re a good person. (:
@amateurprose - Yes sir! You make a lot of valid points. It’s true, I can be my biggest critic/hater. I will certainly ponder more about your words. (Btw, are you still in MD?)
@bonmots - Keep on reconsidering then. I know a lot of people would enjoy seeing you back to updating as hilaw.
@PatentMagician - I do need to remember that…thanks!
@caeliosophy - You’re good people yourself =)
I’ve read the book One Day but it was difficult to get through. I so wanted to stab the two people… he’s a douche and blind; she’s a pushover and blind too. Sigh.
Then I thought about watching it when I saw the trailer for the movie.
Finally, I realized….I just love the song they use, OneRepublic’s Good Life.
So….I’m avoiding the whole she-bang, except for having Good Life on loop.
(Even though I love Anne Hathaway! And they seem to do a good job on ‘aging’ the characters)
@Femme003 - Yeah, the aging part worked well. I’m still trying to get through the book. I’m maybe 1/4 through?
Growth is good, and if this has led you back to be reflecting on this, then the niceness definitely still applies. And your latest post touched me. A lot. Although I couldn’t comment on it. (:
@mandyman27 - Yeah, I felt it didn’t need responses =)
Wow Alex reads!!? lol jk but nice tell me how the book is going because I need to read more gahhh xD lol
@hollywoodfever91 - Trust me, I’m just as surprised by the fact you want to read too! =)
Good for you. I’m glad you are finding yourself even if others don’t like it sometimes.
I’m glad you’re not just another cookie cutter – trying- to -be- people- pleasing guy– but a thoughtful, honest, real, but still decent and caring guy.
@YouToMe - It’s a tough balance to achieve, but I’m trying!