Im looking back at some old conversations w/ samara…mainly the ones just before…

July 20

mckeesamara (1:42:42 AM): haha…you’re a dreamer aren’t you?
T4 Me n 04 u (1:43:14 AM): im a believer
mckeesamara (1:43:30 AM): ooooo…a believer…those people are alwayz good, huh?
T4 Me n 04 u (1:44:10 AM): im a realistic believer
mckeesamara (1:44:53 AM): hm…now you’re getting specific. realistic believer…those are the people that believe in what really could happen?
T4 Me n 04 u (1:45:41 AM): they are people who believe in what should happen
T4 Me n 04 u (1:45:49 AM): that is possible
mckeesamara (1:45:54 AM): hm…what do you believe should happen?
T4 Me n 04 u (1:46:17 AM): eh, idk
mckeesamara (1:46:21 AM): liar
mckeesamara (1:46:33 AM): You know…just don’t want me to know…
mckeesamara (1:46:48 AM): but don’t you ever wonder if I know what you’re thinking?
mckeesamara (1:47:06 AM): About the people/person you think about at night
mckeesamara (1:47:21 AM): about how things could be better and wishing that if only they were that way?
T4 Me n 04 u (1:47:46 AM): hmm, possibly
mckeesamara (1:47:56 AM): haha…scary, huh?
mckeesamara (1:48:05 AM): It’s a curse
mckeesamara (1:48:36 AM): Don’t you ever think that maybe you know what someone is thinking?
T4 Me n 04 u (1:48:50 AM): yep
mckeesamara (1:48:52 AM): then know about others that you do know
T4 Me n 04 u (1:49:03 AM): i guess
mckeesamara (1:49:06 AM): yeah…you try to guess what I’m thinking alot
mckeesamara (1:49:14 AM): Everyone does…
T4 Me n 04 u (1:49:49 AM): well i wouldnt know, everyone think differently
mckeesamara (1:49:59 AM): or do they?
mckeesamara (1:50:31 AM): people think the same way…but they make different choices…they express things differently…
mckeesamara (1:50:48 AM): that’s the only difference in people…
mckeesamara (1:50:56 AM): hm…something to think on, huh?
T4 Me n 04 u (1:51:06 AM): i have enough to thing
T4 Me n 04 u (1:51:09 AM): think*
mckeesamara (1:51:17 AM): yeah…me too
mckeesamara (1:51:46 AM): but alwayz those little questions we miss…sorry
mckeesamara (1:51:56 AM): no more bringing it up…

T4 Me n 04 u (2:01:31 AM): alright, goodnight
mckeesamara (2:01:35 AM): yeah
mckeesamara (2:01:38 AM): and one more thing
T4 Me n 04 u (2:01:48 AM): yea?
T4 Me n 04 u (2:02:20 AM): whoa its 2? i better go too
mckeesamara (2:02:24 AM): I still do like you…I was just hoping that if I told you I didn’t that maybe it would go away…sucks that it didn’t. but I’m glad it didn’t too. confusing I know…well, goodnight.
mckeesamara signed off at 2:02:25 AM.

July 22

jessMD10121 (11:10:04 PM): I want to talk to Nii-Koi, but I’m scared
T4 Me n 04 u (11:10:20 PM): scared of what?
jessMD10121 (11:11:06 PM): Scared of how he’ll react
T4 Me n 04 u (11:12:03 PM): ok, what do you think would be the worse case scenerio
jessMD10121 (11:12:36 PM): He’d get mad at you
T4 Me n 04 u (11:13:20 PM): ok…the best case scenerio
jessMD10121 (11:14:36 PM): I don’t know…I get what I want, and everyone’s happy….but’s it not like that’ll happen

July 23

): yeah…*sigh*…hm…
mckeesamara (1:00:01 AM): I can’t stop thinking about him…
T4 Me n 04 u (1:00:18 AM): nii-koi?
mckeesamara (1:00:23 AM): He was alwayz there for me…and he still is, I just don’t see it
mckeesamara (1:00:24 AM): no
T4 Me n 04 u (1:00:28 AM): chris
mckeesamara (1:00:32 AM): yeah
T4 Me n 04 u (1:00:35 AM): ah
mckeesamara (1:00:41 AM): man, I miss him sooooooooo much
T4 Me n 04 u (1:00:49 AM): i bet you do
mckeesamara (1:01:24 AM): And I could tell he really did love me…I mean…Nii-Koi says it, but it just feels like empty words, but…Chris never said it…I alwayz knew…you know what I mean?
T4 Me n 04 u (1:01:59 AM): absolutely
mckeesamara (1:02:26 AM): gosh…*sigh* I don’t think I’ll ever find a guy that’ll love me like he did…
mckeesamara (1:02:33 AM): and not like that…
T4 Me n 04 u (1:04:50 AM): hmm

mckeesamara (1:15:56 AM): so…what are you thinking about?
T4 Me n 04 u (1:16:49 AM): im thinking about a lot of things
mckeesamara (1:17:14 AM): you do that alot…I’m guessing cuz you don’t want to share…but that’s me
T4 Me n 04 u (1:18:06 AM): hmm, youre right, i sometimes dont wanna share what im thinking because im afraid of how it can influence other people
mckeesamara (1:18:21 AM): yeah…that’s why I don’t share lots of things
T4 Me n 04 u (1:19:20 AM): its understandable

July 23

mckeesamara (11:17:52 PM): I never wanted that to end

Auto response from T4 Me n 04 u (11:17:52 PM): Transitive Property of Food:
Me = Human
Human = Eat Food
Me = Eat Food

T4 Me n 04 u (11:23:47 PM): yea…we are in deep shit
mckeesamara (11:23:54 PM): yeah
mckeesamara (11:23:59 PM): haha…
T4 Me n 04 u (11:24:08 PM): o well
mckeesamara (11:24:20 PM): yeah…sometimes you can’t help things
mckeesamara (11:24:42 PM): you’re the first guy I can look at straight in the eye without worrying about anything
T4 Me n 04 u (11:25:14 PM): how bout chris?
mckeesamara (11:25:50 PM): yeah…I mean, I could look at him in the eyes…but…he never held me cuz he didn’t want me getting in trouble

July 24

T4 Me n 04 u (10:23:43 PM): so, what do you wanna do?
mckeesamara (10:24:52 PM): I wanna give it a try…but I want to make sure everyone’s ok with it, you know what I mean?
T4 Me n 04 u (10:25:02 PM): yea, same
mckeesamara (10:26:44 PM): do you think we’ll be able to do that?
T4 Me n 04 u (10:27:21 PM): do what?
mckeesamara (10:28:12 PM): be able to get together
T4 Me n 04 u (10:28:36 PM): o, yea
mckeesamara (10:29:10 PM): so you would want to…
T4 Me n 04 u (10:29:40 PM): sure…i dont wanna regret not doing something later on
mckeesamara (10:30:21 PM): yeah…I know what you mean
mckeesamara (10:31:04 PM): but we might have to wait, huh?

July 26

mckeesamara (1:43:06 AM): worst case scenario: My mom finds out and forbids us not to see eachother…I go against it…She sends me back to Colorado…
mckeesamara (1:43:30 AM): best case scenario: We keep it under wraps…everything seems normal…and no one talks to my mom
T4 Me n 04 u (1:44:02 AM): is there no way for your mom’s opinion on this to change?

mckeesamara (1:44:31 AM): how it’s gonna be: My mom and I will talk…yell…I’ll get to tears…she’ll say I can’t see you anymore…I don’t listen…I get in a lot of trouble…but it’s all worth it at the end
mckeesamara (1:44:56 AM): I don’t think so…we can try…but it might take a while…I mean a few months of keeping underwraps kinda time…
T4 Me n 04 u (1:47:21 AM): hmm…can you try to make her opinion change

T4 Me n 04 u (1:56:10 AM): we are people and people make mistakes
mckeesamara (1:56:23 AM): But with you…I didn’t do anything…it just…happened
T4 Me n 04 u (1:57:11 AM): ya, which is why i dont believe it is wrong
mckeesamara (1:57:33 AM): *sigh* if only we could make others see it that way too
T4 Me n 04 u (1:58:06 AM): its possible
T4 Me n 04 u (1:58:13 AM): it has only begun

Yea…things arent as bad as they seem…I just wish that people in general could be happier…yup…

gosh, im so bad sometimes…i dont mean it…but you know what if there is one thing i know is that i can learn from my mistakes…its crazy how miscommunication is the main sources of problems…

“One…your like a dream come true…
Two… jus wanna be with you…
Three… girl its plain to see…that your the only one for me…
Four…repeat steps one to three…
Five… make you fall in love with me…
If ever I believe my work is done….then I start Back at One.(yeah)”

“First, first time I looked into your eyes
I saw heaven, oh, heaven in your eyes
Everything I did before you, wasn’t worth my while
It should’ve been you all the time
I do anything, and everything to please you
You know how much I need you
You’re always, always, on my mind”

“Take a look at me, I let you have my heart.
I swore I’d never let it happen again.
I’m not mad about it, I’m kinda glad about it,
Cause I know that with you girl, I can depend.
I love you, I need you,
Are only words that people say.
They’re just words, when they’re hand in hand,
With the games that people play, but…”

“If I ever see the top of the mountain,
If never step my foot in the sea.
I promise you I love you forever,
You’ll always be the biggest part of me.
Where ever you are, whatever you do I will follow,
You’ve changed the way that I used to think.
I promise you I’ll love you forever,
You’ll always be the biggest part of me.”

“It’s hard to breathe when were apart
your like sunshine in my heart
I keep you here inside
you’ve been everything to me
you’ve been and always will be
the apple of my eye”

“And I know its hard to believe
your still the biggest part of me
all I’m living for
I still think about you
I still dream about you
I still want you
and need you by my side
I still mad about you
all i ever wanted was you
your still the one…“

“For everytime you had to go asleep alone.
For everytime I tried to rush you off the phone.
For everytime I said something to make you cry.
Now that all is said and done, I can’t deny.”

“I’m so sorry for anything I might have done.
And I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt the only one,
And I’m sorry, the best laid plans sometimes fall through,
For anything that I might’ve done, I apologize to you.
For anything that I might’ve done, I apologize to you.”

“To try and count your tears, would be like standing in the rain.
The weather’s been bad, for that I’ll gladly take the blame.
Now our two separate lives will never ever be the same,
But I hope that you can forgive someday.”

Ah, Brian McKnight…always able to tell how i feel…

today me and samara celebrated our 4 months…glamour pictures took forever but we finally got them done.  then afterwards was really great too.  i love her hair, eyes, everything…

meanwhile grace was probably gettin her freak on in a field somewhere…j/k haha.  i think things worked out for her too…yay, good day…

Today went pretty well. yay, pictures w/ samara! she got an awesome new top…good tennis day too. new guy player! pretty good one too…yea…tomorrow 4 months…wow…

Samara’s b-day:  success!  a long, weird, confusing day…but well worth it.  i love her…i can finally say it and know i mean it…

wow, 3 and a half hours of straight tennis…omg are my feet tired.  im gonna be practicing a lot these 4 months or so before tennis season.  im gonna try and not joke around too much.  o yea, im gonna start conditioning for tennis…o yea…and i hope things are better w/ her…

Im seriously pissed off right now…not at her, but at the fact she will not tell me what is wrong.  Im pissed off that while i had a rather great day my significant other is cursing at the world.  Most of all, I am pissed off that i cant do a damn thing about it…i dont even know what the hell is going on…and that just isnt right…

Wow, im so pumped up for tennis season right now.  so many new alumni…and many returning players.  yea, this season will be great…

It shouldnt get to me but it does and i cant stop it from getting to me.  I was stronger before but constant reminders….its just affects me after a while, like its the only thing that people see of me…w/e, gotta shake it off…

yea…ok…