June 22, 2009
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Oh Those “What If”s
You know what I’m talking about. You’re going about life just minding your own business when all of a sudden these thoughts creep up on you. “What if I had done this?” “What if I could have been smarter when I was younger?” “What if she really isn’t the right one for me?” Questions like these can mess up your view of things drastically and can lead you to make choices you weren’t even considering just a few moments ago.
A big example of that from my life regards that last question: “What if she really isn’t the right one for me?” It was a question I asked myself a few years back, while I was about 2 years into my relationship with my college sweetheart. Everything was going relatively fine. We never had any really big problems and we got along amazingly well. If I didn’t know better, I would have said there was no one better for me. I used to think, “I’m with a great girl that I’m happily committed to. I am so fortunate.”
Of course, things changed one day. Out of the blue, she asked me “So, where do you think we should live after we graduate?” With that question, something seemingly woke up in my head. All of these doubts and “what if”s started flying around, confusing my scheme of things. I started to think “Wow, are we already thinking that far ahead? We’re just 20! Wait, we are just 20 years old! Am I sure she is right for me? What if she isn’t and I made a mistake? What if there’s someone else better for me out there? What if I had passed her by already? What if what if what if…”
Long story short, those doubts led to the eventual end of our relationship. By the time I realized how stupid I was to be thinking of those “what if” thoughts, it was too late. The glass was broken and she also began to have those thoughts as well.
Looking back at that time over the years, I used to think “What if I hadn’t had those thoughts? What if I had kept my mouth shut? What if we had continued the way we were? Would we have been together to this day?”
However, I finally stopped that when I realized I need to stop thinking about all those “what if”s. There are infinite amount of possibilities throughout the course of my life and this just so happened to be my path. I started to think of that “mistake” as not a mistake at all. Had I not done that back then, I’m sure I would still be wrestling with those commitment issues and insecurities I used to have. Had I not done that, I wouldn’t have done so many wonderful things that, looking back, I never would have had the chance to do or experience had that relationship continued. Perhaps what happened was exactly what was suppose to happen at that point of time.
I don’t see myself getting married anytime soon. However, I think I would be perfectly fine with meeting the girl that would eventually be my wife at this point of my life. Over the years, I have grown to be very confident about who I am and what the important things really are. I just got to keep reminding myself that everything that has happened before, whether good or bad, had led me to where and what I am today. It is for that reason that I will not let those pesky “what if”s affect me so much ever again.
Comments (80)
I feel you on this one. Those “what if”s really suck. That’s why I try to keep myself super busy. If I get stuck with any free time, I might end up asking myself all those “what if” questions.
In the end, life has a way of sorting itself out and things always work out how they are supposed to
Yeah but things happen for a reason so if you’re questioning it, then it wasn’t right. Idk if that made any sense to you lol & I love Neyooooo
yeah, those what ifs are a pain in the you-know-what sometimes…never seems to be a shortage of them either
i’ve gotten better at handling them as well…practice makes perfect i guess ha
What if I never commented on this post? hmmm
oops meant to rec this and forgot…had to come back lol =)
O those “what if’s.” Makes life completely depressing and yourself a bitter and cynical person because of it.
Or maybe just me.
But either way, focusing on the what ifs doesn’t help at all. There is no forward-moving when thinking in the past.
I agree with you. I’ve been in similar dilemmas before. We can all name some choices we made that changed our lives in some way. I made one in particular a few years ago that had a domino effect on a lot of other things in my life. It was a big choice but looking back it was for the best, because I would not be the person today if I had not made that decision. So I really feel you on this post. See the positive outcome, not the “what if.”
Strangely enough, this blog is applicable to a lot of things that has been happening to me lately. Although I never had a problem with what ifs, I did have a problem with trying to fix my so called mistakes, and not understanding that things happen for a reason. Glad to see that you are confident, and I bet you will make any girl very happy to belong to you :]
for some reason, reading your entry, i felt like “what if” was like one of those “intervention” things in a relationship (or in life)… you’ve seen that episode on how I met your mother right? =/
you and i. we are in the exact same place. interesting.
Ha, welcome to being a 20-something dude – always looking to explore other options. Nothing wrong with being sure about things, if you were meant to be you would have survived a little questioning. All great truths do.
I try not to think about “what ifs” because it makes me feel worst about myself. I think about how things could have happened differently and perhaps how much better my life could have gotten. It’s really depressing, but it’s all in the past. You just have to seize every moment now so you don’t have those “what ifs” in the future. =)
P.S I love Ne-Yo’s Because of You and Make It Work. I can never get tired of those songs…
now give me some of that knowledge and have it stick please. thanks!
@fLiPgUy31O - I think that’s what I’ve been doing subconsciously; I’ve just been so busy these past few years. Perhaps I made myself busy just so questions like that wouldn’t have a chance to affect
@everchanginglife09 - That’s how I like to think too
@JetaimeMing - haha I think what you’re saying is pretty much what I was getting.
@Peridot21 - Yes, come experience come more knowledge. Thanks for the rec!
@Agent_Eric - conundrum!
@drung888 - exactly. That’s why I try not to think about past possibilities too seriously. It happened, so time to go after whatever’s next.
@Lynn1013 - So, what exactly was this big thing? I’m curious.
@indiechaos - I try to be, although it sure can be tough at times. I can’t wait until I find my mojo back haha.
This is good. Reminds me of a story I heard about a Martial Art Master who visited a close friend who, on his death-bed, confessed that he had spent a great part of his life wonering ‘What if…’ and finally realized that it hindered him from accomplishing what he could have if not for wasting so much time on what he came to realize was insubstancial contemplation. The Master told him it was much to late to think about that now, and yet, just before he breathed his last breath, the man wondered aloud; “What if I had not wasted all that time…”
@AzureRecollections - I think so. What happened in that episode and what season?
@h0peLeSs_RoMaNtiC - That’s a good thing right?
@mixedbabiesrock - haha yes, my old, naive, 20 year old self. I guess I rather have made that mistake back then then now, when I’m supposedly older and wiser =P
@xkthily - You like Make It Work?? You’re getting 1,000 brownie points with me =D
@karen0z - Sure, here’s some spare knowledge *hands it over*. Haha seriously, I really don’t have too much to offer. It’s just how I’ve interpret the events that have happened to me.
@cliff_07 - ah, interesting story. It sounds like a good moral/caution tale.
Can’t remember the season, but it was the one where they’d start pointing out certain annoying things about each person (ie. someone chews loudly, or something)
Hope that toggles your memory!
mr alex is seaching for “lou po!” :P
everything happens for a reason.
@Roadlesstaken - hahaha Austin Powers the spy who shagged me
Ah, those questions are haunting
.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to see things the way you are here, positively.
The last paragraph is reminding me of How I Met Your Mother. XD
I used to get caught up in the “What if” thing all the time. I guess, as I got older, I started to accept that things happen for a reason, even if I’d never really know what the exact reason was. That little idea has helped me grow into, well, someone a whole lot more confident in themselves. Everyone has to learn it for themselves at some point or another.
Wondering “what if ____” can hold back one’s life, yet it seems to be human nature to wonder what might have been.
@Roadlesstaken - The play count for that song and Because of You on my Itunes is ridiculous. haha
The what-ifs are important as annoying as they can be. If you don’t ask them, eventually they are going to affect you in a big way, usually a bad way. The what ifs are simply one of life’s ways of risk management.
thinking the “what ifs” and then accepting what happened instead seems to helps reassure us that things happen for a reason. we don’t always understand the why of it all, but it’s comforting knowing that how things are now are exactly how they are supposed to be. so for me, it always begs the question, what am i supposed to be learning now? what can i learn from the past? =)
great post Alex
Oh those what if’s. They’re such a killer.
But hey, I believe things happen for a reason, and you prove that pretty well. I hope you find a wifey who will banish those what if’s from you for sure
I’ve been stuck to what ifs in the past as well. I’ve let most of them go though and it’s a good thing you have too.
I’ve commented on similar posts before but I’m going to give my same general response. While, I’m sure that were you to choose a different route, you wouldn’t miss your current one because you wouldn’t know about it and it very well would be your “what if?” However, I dated a few of my what ifs after my divorce. The first one took me a long time to break away from and he was sooo mean to me. The second is the father of my baby and since you read my blogs you know that he doesn’t exist in my sons life at all. Sometimes those what ifs just aren’t all we build them up in our head to be…and sometimes they’re exactly what we need them to be.
aww alex, we’ve already been there. can’t take them back and stuff, we just learn from them experiences ya know.. you’ll find someone and that someone will find you when it’s time =)
Oh but I do see myself getting married sometime soon
I do have one “what if” question in my head that keeps replaying in my head, and has been replaying for about a year now. I just hope one day, I stop asking myself this “what if” question. Only time will tell.
At least you can get married when you’re ready!
Good luck on your journey.
I’m glad you reached an eventual end to the “what if-’s” … I had too many of them back in high school, and ended up resulting with a “Well… if I do NOTHING.. I’ve gained little, and only lost opportunity.” Hence–don’t live with fear of what could go wrong. Try.. anything.. once. Twice if you like it.
“What if I could have been smarter when I was younger?” . Gaahh! I know I’m young but… gahh.
You’re right, don’t let those “What ifs” get to you.
=] That’s great. And hey, things happen for a reason, right? Life goes on, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, etc… =]
This probably sounds lame, but I needed to read something like this. I’ve been thinking what if about everything. Like all the mistakes I made in high school and with the exboyfriend problems I’m dealing with now. I love it when you write blogs like this
ooo good post yeah i hate what ifs too but i like to believe everything happens for a reason!
good decision… I think “what ifs” are akin to “regrets” and I try to have as few as possible
I thought we decided that you were going to marry Mixedbabiesrock or that chick from your work. *Sigh* Please don’t make me return the toaster I was going to give you. Oh, yeah, look surprised when you see that I got you a toaster for your wedding.
@AzureRecollections - oh yeah that definitely helped. I remember laughing a lot in that episode. I think I should go watch it again!
@s_h_a_sha - Haha well I’m not solely looking for one, but I wouldn’t care if I did.
@MomoLikesChoco - That’s what I like to believe
@loves_mud - Haha oh really? How so? Did I subconsciously write like the last thing an episode said?
@pawnshop_heart - Very true. From that viewpoint I’m pretty glad I was single these past couple of years. I’ve definitely developed a lot of great independent skills.
@Rob_of_the_Sky - Indeed. It does seem like it’s perfectly normal for those questions to pop up. the real question is how much you let those doubts affect you.
@TheCheshireGrins - I see what you mean. I definitely won’t ignore those question totally. I take them head on and have the confidence to know that what I’m doing is what I should be doing.
@YouTOme - Ah life can be tricky like that huh? I’m just trying my best to understand it all
@thelovelycontradiction - thank you. Oh and for some reason, I find your s/n is very relatable to this post haha
@ryu - Yeah, I’m sure some what ifs are legit but most of them are not worth the time.
@MySecretLoveAffair - I really like that last sentence you wrote. Good advice!
@pasaway4eva - Time should hurry up! haha yeah, in good time I suppose.
@strawberries_and_honey - Oh I know you do
. Remember to send me an invite!
@CareyGLY - Thanks! I hope so.
@theacematt2 - Haha exactly. If nothing else, they can make for some entertaining blog entries =P
@one_for_echizen - Yeah, mistakes are normal especially when we’re young. Just try your best to learn from them
@xxthatsmexx - Exactly. I’ve developed quite a thick skin over the years
@B1ANCACACA - Well I’m glad I was able to write this just in time for you haha. I’ve been meaning to write this for a while now.
@AzNgUrl3510 - Same here. Keeps me optimistic
@MochaSprinkle - Oh regrets, THAT was the word I was looking for! Haha notice how I didn’t include that word at all in my post. For some reason I totally forgot that.
@mycontinuity - You could always just give me tickets to Wimbledon
uhm. someone’s blogging about relationships lately.. haha.
i can hear girls who have an XC on you sighing in front of their PCs, “ALEX CHAN MARRY ME.” until they see that phrase you typed in: I don’t see myself getting married anytime soon.
-whatta harbreaker for them.
good luck! update if you find The One.
@Roadlesstaken - For Wimbledon tickets we’d have to be best buddies. Also, you’d have to set me up with a good-looking guy. Those are the rules.
i’m actually getting caught up with them right now, but your post made me feel better. great post, and thanks for sharing your experience. : )
Well it’s good that you have those what if’s earlier, I guess. Gives you more time to think & realize what you could do about them. Great post!
I’ve had a lot of those moments myself. Everybody has, at one point, surely. I personally had one major ‘what if’ choosing a college during my first year.. What if I had chosen the better college? It was so hard and looking back, it’s embarrassing how big of a deal I had made it into. But eh. I made the right decision 
I realize as I grew older, I learned that sometimes, things happen differently than the way I had wanted it to or had planned it to. That’s what makes things interesting anyways. Haha 
aw man those what ifs KILL me. but then again, im sure those what ifs also saved me from a lot of…regrets too
I’m going through the exact doubts you had a few years back, but she’s looking towards marriage. Most of her friends are married, or planning to. She likes me more than I like her. She’s cool and we get along fine. But there’s something missing for me. Hope I don’t have a “what if” moment about this months from now.
The right now always seems to come along, but the right one is a little tricky. Good luck.
@ohsodainty - haha I think you greatly over exaggerate my appeal. But yeah, I will absolutely update if I ever find that elusive girl.
@mycontinuity - sounds reasonable enough. We’ll talk later
@caeliosophy - Thank you for reading! Glad to hear it helped you out in some way.
@sageng - For real. If we always got what we wanted there would be no fun nor challenge. Also, not much stories to tell =P
@mi1kandcerea1 - I know what you mean. They can be double edge swords sometimes.
@eman - Oh yeah, I can see why you may have those moments with concerns with marriage. It’s a big step in life! I hope you figure it out man.
@Roadlesstaken - what reminded me, I guess, was just the idea of taking paths to finding the future SO and how along the journey we come across things that ready us for that future someone. Sort of? Like how Ted’s failures/successes lead to his newest job
DD. (don’t want to give away much since i’m not sure if you keep up with it, but i saw that you watch it acc profile 
; btw i think they aired 3 more episodes of pushing daisies this summer, though i heard it doesn’t give a conclusive end to the show 
. i loved how awkward and cute that show was, haha.).
I had a problem before..always saying those what if’s til i drove everyone around me crazy..
but I try not to think about it.
if i live my life as if there were no other options before…i feel i may be on the right track..
the moment i start to question all the decisions i *had* made..makes me feel really insecure.
and i hate being without security.
Very wise and true words. I feel like ‘what if’s’ can be related to regrets. I always find myself thinking about that as well, but as you said it’s just a part of life. ahh honestly when I think of what if’s my mind gets all jumbled up and occupied with them. But your entry said it all in a nice crisp, simple way and thanks for sharing this, I’ll remember it when a what if comes my way. =]
Aww, we all learn from our past. All things happen for a reason. No need to think about the what if’s. What happened in the past stays in the past. Time to focus on the future =) You definitely are thinking the right path!
@loves_mud - You were a fan of Pushing Daisies too? Man, I wish that show had gotten a bigger audience. The writer’s strike really screwed it up.
@bluedreamer85 - Ah, you and me both
@xxLilPauliexx - You know, those what ifs and regrets are almost interchangeable. For some reason I did not remember to use the word “regret” in this post at all haha.
@ImprezaGirl - Thanks for the reassurance
Yeah (:. I loved how quirky it was! It seems so strange to not know where the show was heading/what they had planned
.
Have you seen the French film Amelie?
@loves_mud - Apparently they’re making a comic version of that show to continue the storyline. I haven’t seen that film but I’ve heard about it. What makes you bring it up?
@Roadlesstaken - !! Oooh! Yippie
.
PD reminds me a little of it (I saw Amelie before I saw any PD); they’re both quirky, artsy, and brightly colored (:D), and the narration is kind of similar (though with Amelie I had to read English captions, haha). Kind of hard to explain, since I haven’t seen either in a while.
omg alex never ever doubt urself. that’s possibly the worst thing to do to urself lol. always make decisions like they are definate! u’ll feel so much better- for better or worst, never second guess urself!
I understand how you feel. I myself have so many “what ifs”. Until now, there are some things I’ve decided and regretted afterwards, but then, life must go on. Let’s just hope everything will turn out for the better
Good job!
@charmed1alwayz - I guess, but what if….
j/k
@icapillas - Good, I love that optimism!
@GaMeGurLsH - Thanks!
@Roadlesstaken - nice, glad I could help… after the post
Everything happens for a reason my friend. I’ve noticed that people dwell on the past alot and we tend to forget the wonderful things laid out in front of us in our present due to that past despite our wishes to change it…
@RaquelHiggins005 - Yep yep. Gotta keep our focus out front
Wow, I couldn’t agree more. I had the same “what-ifs” swirled in my head about my college sweetheart. Similar to your ex girl friend, he was the one who had ‘our’ future planned out…
@debonnaire_1 - Ah, how are you two now?
You know I actually thought you had stopped blogging because I haven’t been receiving any emails updates from you. Actually, I haven’t received any email updates from anyone and apparently people have been blogging, weird.
Anyway, I get you with the “what if” thing especially when you were at that age, it just makes things very complicated. But i’m glad you’ve gone past that and not just look back on your past and think about what might’ve happened if you had not done all those things. Kinda reminded me of a Babyface’s song “what if?”
@cokaholic - Yeah I was wondering what happened to you! Yep yep, still truckin’ along on here
@Roadlesstaken - Not much stories to tell = not too much good xanga blogs to read too. Haha
Aww! Don’t worry about it! You’ll find a great gal ’cause you’re too sweet! Nice guys never finish last, I assure!
It’s weird but I never get updates on your xanga even tho i’m sub’ed!
@jesuismir - Thanks, I hope so. You really never get updates from my Xanga? Hmm that won’t do haha. You should mention that to one of the Xanga team members.
sigh.. so it means the “What If”s are some signs that you’re not satisfied with certain things in your current life… what do i do then? Do i change things, or do i leave it as is..? What ifs are so hard to avoid. Even when you know you shouldn’t be thinking about it..
@yan_ni - What exactly are you referring to right now? Context really matter.
relationships..
@yan_ni - Idk, the answer to your questions will depend on your current situation. So many variables to look at =/