March 26, 2009

• If FML was around when I was younger…

  All these stories are true (and yes, I probably deserve some of it).
  
  Age 6:
  Today, I was playing outside when I felt something land in my hair.  I look up and saw that a flock of birds had let loose a flurry of poop all over the yard I was playing on.  I tried washing it out but I couldn’t get rid of the stench from my hair.  I literally smelled like crap for the next couple of days and I now have a bird phobia.  FML.
  
  Age 8:
  Today, a neighborhood kid was verbally and physically harassing me and wouldn’t leave me alone  Out of desperation, I threw a small rock in his general direction hoping it would back him off.  The rock hit him in his eye, busting it open.  He ran home crying and his mom had to take him to the hospital to get stitches.  Afterwards, his mom tried suing my family because she thought I was the one bullying her son.  FML.
  
  Age 10:
  Today, my family finally got cable for our house.  While looking at the TV Guide channel, I noticed a channel called “Playboy”.  I thought it was a channel for little kids that like to play, so I turned to it.  Both my parents were standing right behind me.  FML.
  
  Age 15:
  Today, I changed my job to one where I sell ointments.  I wasn’t told until after I started working there that everything was commission-based and I had to administer samples to potential customers.  The oil smelled like old people and, ironically, the only people willing to try out free samples were old people.  I spend most of my days rubbing oil on nasty body parts and I was barely getting paid.  FML.
  
  Age 16:
  Today, I thought it would be awesome to tie the back of my hair into a rat tail, since my hair was so long back there.  Turns out, it isn’t so awesome.  I looked like a redneck Asian.  FML.
  
  Age 17:
  Today, a couple of stupid middle schoolers were walking by the courts, making rude comments about how tennis is such a sissy sport.  After they said that, I wanted to hit the ball hard to show them how wrong they were.  It was hot that day and my hand was very sweaty.  When I went for a big serve, the racket slipped out of my hands.  I inadvertantly spiked my racket into the ground, breaking it in the process, in front of those kids.  FML.
  
  Age 18:
  Today, my ex-girlfriend, whom I broke up with a couple of months ago, finally found out that I was dating someone else.  I discovered this when my phone started vibrating uncontrollably.  She had sent me over 100 text messages more or less saying she hates me.  I do not have a text message plan.  She knows that.  FML
  

  • 3:00 pm
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