December 11, 2008

• My Grandma, The Character

    

  So you may be wondering why you’re seeing a horribly sketched picture of North America.  I’ll get to that, but first let me tell you a little back story about how this sketch came about and how it relates to my um, “interesting” grandmother.

  I know my grandma really cares about me and only want me to be well.  She has taken care of me throughout my life and has pretty much been my main provider of food over the years.  I’m glad she was there for me all this time, helping my parents raise me and such, and I am thankful for that.

  That being said, my grandma is one of the most nagging, hypocritical, and just crazy person I’ve ever known. 

  To give you an idea, here’s an example of an annoying trait of hers.  She will ALWAYS assume you’re hungry and will keep on offering food to you no matter what you say.  If you’re unlucky, she may have the food already prepared for you and thus forces you to eat.  If I ever brought my friends over and they said they weren’t hungry, my grandmother would believe I was being mean and denying them food. 

  She apparently also thinks I don’t know how to use a microwave or stove, since everytime I’m in the kitchen she will proceed to give me step by step directions until I interrupt her.  Sometimes, I would already be finished with making what I was going to eat and she would STILL tell me directions like a freakin’ automated machine.  I’m usually a very patient guy, but I get driven loco to the max!

  That’s just the tip of the iceberg.  There are a ton of little stories I have about my grandma (i.e. her cure-all soup, me looking for her lost tooth, her extremely hypocritical stance on what she thinks you should eat and what she actually eats).  If you wanna hear more then maybe I’ll write another entry in the future about her. 

  Now, let me tell you about the Canada Call Story.

  Note:  if you see a sentence <like this>, that means the words were said in Cantonese in my story.  If you see a sentence (like this), it means it was a thought in my head.  If you see a sentence *like this*, it means it was an action.  FYI, my Cantonese speaking ability can be pretty pathetic at times.  Cantonese is my grandma’s second language, as her first language is some obscure dialect of Chinese.  Also, she speaks extremely little English.  All of that adds to the wonderful miscommunication I’m about to tell you about.

  Not too long ago, I was getting ready to go to a job interview.  I figured I should let my grandma know that I was going to leave.

  Me:  <Grandma, I’m going to my job interview!>
  Grandma:  <Are you hungry?  If you are, I’m already cooking rice and I can cook up some eggs, spam….>
  Me:  <I’m NOT hungry!  I told you I’m leaving soon!  Why would I want to eat now?>
  Grandma:  <Okay okay.  Before you leave, can you tell me who called me earlier?>

  I had some time to spare, so I go to the caller ID to see who called.  There was no name, but the ID said “Saskatchewan”.

  Me (Shoot, how do you say Canada in Cantonese again?  I’m pretty sure it sounds like the English word.  Whatever, I think my grandma would at least know this word):  <Someone from> Canada <called>.
  Grandma:  <Where?>
  Me (in the most FOBish accent I could make):  CA-NA-DA.
  Grandma:  Canada?  <I don’t know what that is.>
  Me:  <I know you know this place.  We went on our last family vacation there!>
  Grandma:  <I don’t know.>

  At this point my frustration was starting to build up, so I put down my portfolio and took out a piece of paper.  I quickly sketched the image at the top of this entry, minus the circles showing New York, Maryland, and California.  Those showed up later as we mentioned them.  keep reading, you’ll understand.

  Me:  <This is the United States, right?>
  Grandma:  *Nods*
  Me: *Circles where MD would be* <This is> Maryland, <right?  Where we live, right?>
  Grandma:  *Nods*
  Me:  *Circles where NY would be* <This is> New York, <right?>
  Grandma:  *Nods* New York.
  Me:  <Good.  Now if you kept on going up, where would you be at?>
  Grandma:  California?

  After I mentally smack my head, I decided to keep on trying to explain to her that someone from Canada called.  I’m almost starting to not care if I’m late for my job interview.  I feel like if I didn’t somehow make my grandma understand, I would go crazy.  So I kept on going.  How foolish of me.

  Me:  <No no, California is over here.> *Circles where CA would be*
  Grandma:  <Oh yes yes>, San Francisco!
  Me:  <Yes, that’s there too.  Okay now back over here.. you see> New York?  <You see this large country up here?  If you were to drive past> New York <and go higher up, you’ll be here.  This is where the call came from.  What is this place called?>

  My grandma took a few seconds to really think about it.  I even wrote down the word “Canada”, hoping she would somehow recognize it from her past.  After what seems like minutes, she finally gave me her well thought out answer.

  Grandma:  <Heaven?>
  Me: 

  Me:  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
  Grandma:  <What?>

  *SWOOOF*

  That’s the sound of me picking up all my interview things and running right out the door. 

  Why oh why would she think I was referring to Heaven??  Perhaps when I said “go higher up”, she thought I meant up in the sky.  However, that still doesn’t take away from the fact that her initial question to me was “who called?” and that “Heaven” would no way have been the right answer (unless God has a funny new way of reaching out to people).

  Later, my mom explained it to my grandma and we all had a good laugh (well, my mom and I did.  My grandma was still a little confused).  Oh grandma.  Has any of your grandmas or grandpas ever frustrated you like this incident had for me?

  Now you know part of the reason why I’m trying to relearn Cantonese

  • 6:06 pm
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