July 1, 2006

• O no!  Upsets everywhere in sports today!!!!!  First Brazil
  and England are knocked out of the World Cup.  To add more pain,
  all of my favorite American tennis players are knocked out of Wimbledon!  James Blake, Andy Roddick, Mardy Fish, Andre Agassi, why?!

  NOOooOooooOoOOoOooOooo!!!!!!!!!!

  

  It’s Agassi’ last Wimbledon btw.  He’s gonna retire at the US
  Open…hopefully he can stay healthy enough to play all the tournaments
  in between now and then.  The tennis world is gonna miss him

  ——————————————————————————
  Anyways, enough of my tennis dorkness.  Guys listen up!  Here
  are the rules for us men (bold ones are the ones that were funniest to
  me):

  Manisms

  1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

  2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
  
  (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
  (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
  (c) After wrecking your boss’s car.
  (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
  
  (e) When she is using her teeth.

  3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

  4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

  5: If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

  6:
  Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy’s fridge is forbidden.
  However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

  7:
  No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
  man. In fact, even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly
  optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the
  birthday boy’s choice.

  8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

  9:
  When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask
  the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

  10:
  You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
  to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
  flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

  11:
  It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you’re
  sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model
  and only when it’s free.

  12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

  13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

  14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

  15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

  16:
  Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies
  until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink
  as much as the other sports watchers.

  17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

  18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greedy.

  19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

  20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she’s withholding sex pending your response.

  21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
  a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
  
  b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
  c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

  22:
  Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
  i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
  situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you
  need.

  23: Never allow a telephone
  conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex
  with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

  24:
  The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have
  carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and
  guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
  discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

  25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

  26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

  27:
  The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?”
  with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of
  story.

  28: There is no reason for
  guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

  29.  We’ve all heard
  about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the
  difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
  definition of each is listed below:

  “GUTS” is arriving home late
  after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a
  broom, and having the guts to say, “are you still cleaning or are you
  flying somewhere?”

  “BALLS” is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
  perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
  ass and having the balls to say, “You’re next!”

  ———-

  We hope this clears up any confusion,

  The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

  • 9:46 pm
  • 8 Comments